Wayward

When I wrote this poem I thought of a young lady in her teenage years learning what love is like for the first time with another boy around her age.  Often times teenagers are faced with the challenges of self-identity, first love and first heartbreaks, and academic pressure, which can spiral into what is known as "drama".  So, I hope you enjoy the dramatic effect of this love-hate teenage angst poem. And of course, I draw a few of these lines from my own experiences, ha ha! 


Wayward

I can't approach his wayward hand
To him I'm barely a whisper.
My light is fading in the dark
Each time I watch him kiss her.

Autumn leaves make memories,
And sunny days feel endless.
They keep the warmth inside my soul
When I am sickened with forgiveness.

The rose with poignant thorns cut through
The heart of a lover scorned.
Each time a prick is felt again
The womb of hatred is born.

Can love and hate go together
And live peacefully as one?
His charming eyes grab attention
But his attitude gets none.

My withered palms and lily gaze
Are reminded everyday
Of the kisses that were never mine
But a dream I dream always.

Copyright 2013 Angela J Thomas

Love Letters

Unforgettable letters. They hold such passion......honesty......gratitude. I have saved these letters now for over a year. I am often mindful by the first letter in particular, which has been like a road map guiding me through the expectancies one must require. It runs through my veins. I now understand what kind of love I possess - what kind of love I am deserving of. Until I clutch tight to it, my heart will forever seek love, yearn for it, and sometimes look back at it; look back at the one I couldn't have had, yet I couldn't have loved more true.


The first letter is to me and then in unison thereafter.

July 31, 2009

Hello Hollywood -

Don't know what to say .... where to begin ..... in a way, I don't want to begin ...... but, I like beginnings .... just not endings .... One week down on a new journey .... a quiet journey ..... but a journey that must be taken .... not all that I have desired in life can I have or should I have .... but how thankful I am for the sometimes small things I have had ..... the happy times I have had .... maybe you too ..... happy, positive, exciting, dreamy, yet at times ... poisonous things .....

I smile today .... not because of what I can't have ... but because of what I have experienced .... i have new fond memories of fun times, laughing times, quiet times .....

I smile today .... not because I don't care ... but because I do care about what I experienced ......because I am a caring person and because I really stretched myself in new ways.

I believe in Mountain top experiences.... I have experienced a few mountain top experiences .... although very different than this .... mostly the personal experience where I would travel to a new place and experience a culture or place or event that would be challenging to leave...

We had a mountain top experience .... I didn't expect one and that made it even more special .... However, like a mountain top, I had to come down. I needed to come down. I wanted to come down. Sadly, I am off the mountain, but I smile today. The experience left me with many new ideas, dreams and thoughts. I have no regrets and I never meant to hurt. I know that leaving a mountain top can be painful if I only look at it going down. I choose to look back up at it and see the rainbows that now hover above .... i choose to see the sunsets that remind me of shared moments .... i choose to smile and laugh, childlike, at the memories .... i have heard that so often we live our lives in chains, not even knowing that we have the key to release us... i lost some chains through this experience ... and feel a new kick in my step (see my jumping up to "both" sides and doing a click of my heels, LOL).... i will miss the mountaintop, but i can hold tight my memories and use my experience to shine brighter, to love deeper, to lead stronger, to live louder ..... thank you ... thank you for showing me more of myself than i realized was there .... thank you for the respect you showed, although you couldn't always relate .... thank you for leading me into new adventures, although i can imagine that you feel i took you on the adventures (sorry for the sunburn - see my cheezy smile) .... thank you allowing me to talk about things i have never dared to speak about - with anyone ....

dare to stand, albeit physically alone, yet united in mind, to see the mountain sunset and to ... smile .... sighing for a moment about the sadness of not being there ... but happy that we can say we were there ... happy that the experience has hopefully left us both healthier, not weaker ... brighter .... not duller .... happier and clearly not sad.

I don't know how to end today, which is true of most of my life. i don't like endings, but beginnings. i don't like goodbyes, but hello's - so ......

Hello Hollywood ......

July 31, 2009

So, I guess it's safe to ask you - all things aside - have you thought of me? I know you've expressed yourself sort of poetically in your first email today how you possibly made me feel, but never a real direct approach how you feel or have felt about me. Do I cross your mind? Is this smooth sailing for you? I guess what I'm searching for is that you may have felt the same way as me....and if not, nevertheless an honest answer will suffice. Don't say what you think you need to say....say what exactly you've felt.....It helps the one door that I have opened for you close so that others can open and I can walk through without hesitating.

I will cherish our times, and I will hold it in a special place in my heart....a time I will not regretfully say I'd love to relive over and over again.....as simple as it was, and minuscule...it was wonderful! And although I write poetry, and seem like a hopeless romantic from just the way that I write, I must inform you, I have never gone as far as saying the past sentence to anyone......if only I could say it in person when parting.

July 31, 2009

email never seems to show the voice inflections that one really needs to get the message across - or the laughter in one's voice - or to show the puppy dog face that you do so well....

yes, I have thought about you and will continue to do so... however, i have refrained from allowing myself to text, email, send smoke signals or send airplane message banners (like the last one eh?). It has not been all smooth sailing, but I am not just a fair weather sailor. I look more at the overall experience than the moment, which is why my mindset is usually so upbeat ...

there is no doubt that we will cross paths - probably sooner than later

October 17, 2009

Hey there. I know we've both been keeping our distance and contact to a minimal, which we know is for the better. I try not to email you (personally) anymore or as often, nor text or call. But, sometimes a fleeting moment passes me by and I sing a tune....I laugh out loud....or I'm embraced by another's hug.....those times I'm reminded of you. And speratically, with those fleeting moments, I quickly, and almost incognito-like (LOL), I let you know through a text or an email such as this one. Ha ha, it's pretty pathetic I think of you so very often, but you played, maybe not a long part, but a very important role in my life - you were like my role model. And that being said, I found a song that really is glued to my heart, right next to where your memory lies in my heart. I've come across quite a few songs in my life, and only have a couple that really meant something, such as "Broken" from Lifehouse. That song to me is amazing, and it even has more meaning b/c I guess I was listening to it a lot when taking those evening strolls and sometimes you'd drive by stopping me from listening to it midway. I came across a song called "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. It touched my heart personally b/c of the dramatic orchestrated strings, and a plus with great lyrics. I hope you take time out to listen to it sometime. I dedicate it to us. I think the song is very much mutually bound (as if I gave it to you and you could give it to me). This is my last song to you. I know your life is full of amazing and wonderful things, and you can't ask for anything better.....but I hope, in the back of your mind you think of this song from time to time, and keep me sacred within your heart for a lifetime. I hope you enjoy the song...I did! Take care my beautiful friend.

Let It Go!

Let  It  Go

 

 I know you’re distant now

You’ve closed the door on love.

And built the walls around you

Too high to get above.

I see you beat yourself up

When you think your life’s a maze.

Stop before you get ahead

And know it’s just a phase.

The hardest part in life

Is finding what makes you whole.

It’s not what you do that defines you –

It’s what’s in your heart and soul!

So, let it go!

Let your chains fall to the floor.

Let me in!

Let your heart be an open door.

Set it free!

Let your mind rest here with me.

Lay your tired eyes down

So I can make you feel at ease.

I see you chasing ghosts

Making excuses not to stay

But in other areas of your life

You don’t move too far away.

Don’t ever think you’re second best

Because the worlds not at your feet.

You’re loved for who you are

Be willing to open your eyes to see!

The leap of faith it takes

Is discovering change is good.

Otherwise you battle what’s inside

Than doing what you should.

So, let it go!

Let your worries fall behind you.

Let me in!

Let me be the one to guide you through.

Set it free!

Let your spirit dance on the spot

Make every moment count

Because it’s the only life you got.

Angela J. Thomas 2010

 Dedicated to AN

The Heart Of Hope

The  Heart Of  Hope

Did I like you too much?

Did I hold on too tight?

Was it that you’re afraid

You’d get lost in my eyes?

Did it all come crashing down

When I showed you what you refused to see?

The kind of person you’re being

When I believed in who you wanted to be?

I walked away thinking

You’d follow me somehow.

I thought you’d catch me

When you came around.

That was only wishful thinking

Because I really thought you cared

About what we started together,

But all I see is you’re scared!

I hoped you’d tell me otherwise,

Show me that you’re real.

Forgive me for questioning

When I don’t know how you feel.

I hope you’d let your guard down

And put aside your pride,

To let me see your emotions

Not go out with the tide.

I’m not everyone else who’s wronged you –

You assured me the same!

So I let you into my world

That was closed off before you came.

I didn’t let others stop me

From starting anew with you

Even when I cautioned wisely,

I still to you were true!

Did you not like me too much?

Did you not want to hold on tight?

Were you afraid you couldn’t tell me

What you felt inside wasn’t right?

Did it all start to piece together

When you didn’t want to see what you had?

The kind of person who’d love you endlessly,

The kind of person you rather not have?

Angela J. Thomas 2010

Dedicated to Aaron Nawrocki

The Answer To Everything Is Avoidance

The other day I heard from a friend whom recently started to date someone seriously.  From the outside looking in, everything seemed to be going well between the two of them – smiles, laughter, common values, etc, both seemingly to be equally smitten by each other.  Then one day after she left his house she hadn’t heard back from him again!  Suddenly everything they discussed moving forward with just stopped! 

Of course she asked herself a ton of questions she couldn’t answer to why that was so, because he specifically explained prior to his disappearance that if it didn’t feel right he would be upfront about it.  Now she had that extra weight on her shoulders wondering all day if he’d ever call, ever text back and mostly just wanting to make sure he was okay.  Okay in the sense that he wasn’t in the hospital because he was very ill the week leading up that day and also for some incidence he didn’t wind up in jail.  Like most women who have that nurturing instinct, she first put that forth in her mind, hoping and praying that she didn’t become a victim of sudden avoidance or what men often refer to as “Ditch the Bitch”. 

I don’t get how the answer to everything in any kind of relationship is avoidance.  Many people use it as a tool.  It doesn’t do anybody good, including the person who is doing the avoiding.  I’m glad my friend found this out sooner than later, but it still doesn’t make it right.  A lot of people out there only think of themselves, and in some cases that is okay.  But when you make someone a PART of YOUR life, they become a part of the bigger picture along with you, so just be honest with them no matter if it hurts them to hear it or hurts you to say it.  Some people don’t see how that is respected more and also gives the avoided person a lesser guilt-ridden feeling.  They will start questioning themselves in the long run, which doesn’t help the world go around that’s for sure.  I mean think about it – people are honest in business whether it hurts someone or not because they know what is right, so why not do it in relationships too?

What is your opinion on why people suddenly avoid a potentially strong growing relationship?  Do you think it’s a phobia of commitment even though their heart wants to be in a relationship?  Do you think the person who is being avoided had something to do with it?  I want to hear from others to get a better insight and so other readers can too! 

My Protector

Poem referring to a dear friend moving far away whom protected me like a father or brother would from the chaos of the world.


My Protector
My Protector, my Guardian, the Armor of my heart.
As swift as you moved in is as swift as you had to part.
Like the wind passing through my hair,
The gentle breeze against my skin so fair,
I collect the remains of all our sacred mysteries
And clutch tight to our faded memories.
My Warrior, my Angel, the Fortress over me.
As brave as I stepped in is as brave as I’ll ever be.
The day your arms can secure me, my friend,
Is the day, my darling, we can live again.
Until then what was is now history,
So we must hold tight to our moments of victory.
(So hold tight the chapters we’ve made in our life story).


-       Dedicated to RR

Time - Is It Really On My Side?

Everyone says that I "have time".  What does that mean?  No, really, what does that mean?  Does it mean that I have time to find true love?  Does it mean that I have time to find my ultimate career?  Does it mean that I have time to find my place in this world?  Sure, I'm young - that's what makes it worth time to put in the effort towards these goals.  And sure, things can happen in an instant where I can be living on top of the world.  I'm not denying the likelihood.  The only thing is that later time becomes, the less likely I can look back and say, "look at what I've accomplished toward my career", or "look at how your father and I have met [such and such] years ago."  I DID try a lot of different avenues within the same field of expertise, and I have dated countless times, which only a few have led me to believe that it was "the ONE this TIME".  To my dismay, nothing has come of any of it.


If I want to base this on emotions, I can very well do that, but I'm not going to.  There is a real meaning basing it on logic.  Although, the truth in logic is gut-wrenching to say the least.  Lets talk about LOVE - the "falling in love forever" kind.  Oh, how wonderful and delightful that sounds.  How awesome I'd feel to have that in my life!  How a grand rarity to feel that way towards someone and have it mirrored back by your partner.