Unforgettable letters. They hold such passion......honesty......gratitude. I have saved these letters now for over a year. I am often mindful by the first letter in particular, which has been like a road map guiding me through the expectancies one must require. It runs through my veins. I now understand what kind of love I possess - what kind of love I am deserving of. Until I clutch tight to it, my heart will forever seek love, yearn for it, and sometimes look back at it; look back at the one I couldn't have had, yet I couldn't have loved more true.
The first letter is to me and then in unison thereafter.
The first letter is to me and then in unison thereafter.
Hello Hollywood -
Don't know what to say .... where to begin ..... in a way, I don't want to begin ...... but, I like beginnings .... just not endings .... One week down on a new journey .... a quiet journey ..... but a journey that must be taken .... not all that I have desired in life can I have or should I have .... but how thankful I am for the sometimes small things I have had ..... the happy times I have had .... maybe you too ..... happy, positive, exciting, dreamy, yet at times ... poisonous things .....
I smile today .... not because of what I can't have ... but because of what I have experienced .... i have new fond memories of fun times, laughing times, quiet times .....
I smile today .... not because I don't care ... but because I do care about what I experienced ......because I am a caring person and because I really stretched myself in new ways.
I believe in Mountain top experiences.... I have experienced a few mountain top experiences .... although very different than this .... mostly the personal experience where I would travel to a new place and experience a culture or place or event that would be challenging to leave...
We had a mountain top experience .... I didn't expect one and that made it even more special .... However, like a mountain top, I had to come down. I needed to come down. I wanted to come down. Sadly, I am off the mountain, but I smile today. The experience left me with many new ideas, dreams and thoughts. I have no regrets and I never meant to hurt. I know that leaving a mountain top can be painful if I only look at it going down. I choose to look back up at it and see the rainbows that now hover above .... i choose to see the sunsets that remind me of shared moments .... i choose to smile and laugh, childlike, at the memories .... i have heard that so often we live our lives in chains, not even knowing that we have the key to release us... i lost some chains through this experience ... and feel a new kick in my step (see my jumping up to "both" sides and doing a click of my heels, LOL).... i will miss the mountaintop, but i can hold tight my memories and use my experience to shine brighter, to love deeper, to lead stronger, to live louder ..... thank you ... thank you for showing me more of myself than i realized was there .... thank you for the respect you showed, although you couldn't always relate .... thank you for leading me into new adventures, although i can imagine that you feel i took you on the adventures (sorry for the sunburn - see my cheezy smile) .... thank you allowing me to talk about things i have never dared to speak about - with anyone ....
dare to stand, albeit physically alone, yet united in mind, to see the mountain sunset and to ... smile .... sighing for a moment about the sadness of not being there ... but happy that we can say we were there ... happy that the experience has hopefully left us both healthier, not weaker ... brighter .... not duller .... happier and clearly not sad.
I don't know how to end today, which is true of most of my life. i don't like endings, but beginnings. i don't like goodbyes, but hello's - so ......
Hello Hollywood ......
July 31, 2009
So, I guess it's safe to ask you - all things aside - have you thought of me? I know you've expressed yourself sort of poetically in your first email today how you possibly made me feel, but never a real direct approach how you feel or have felt about me. Do I cross your mind? Is this smooth sailing for you? I guess what I'm searching for is that you may have felt the same way as me....and if not, nevertheless an honest answer will suffice. Don't say what you think you need to say....say what exactly you've felt.....It helps the one door that I have opened for you close so that others can open and I can walk through without hesitating.
I will cherish our times, and I will hold it in a special place in my heart....a time I will not regretfully say I'd love to relive over and over again.....as simple as it was, and minuscule...it was wonderful! And although I write poetry, and seem like a hopeless romantic from just the way that I write, I must inform you, I have never gone as far as saying the past sentence to anyone......if only I could say it in person when parting.
So, I guess it's safe to ask you - all things aside - have you thought of me? I know you've expressed yourself sort of poetically in your first email today how you possibly made me feel, but never a real direct approach how you feel or have felt about me. Do I cross your mind? Is this smooth sailing for you? I guess what I'm searching for is that you may have felt the same way as me....and if not, nevertheless an honest answer will suffice. Don't say what you think you need to say....say what exactly you've felt.....It helps the one door that I have opened for you close so that others can open and I can walk through without hesitating.
I will cherish our times, and I will hold it in a special place in my heart....a time I will not regretfully say I'd love to relive over and over again.....as simple as it was, and minuscule...it was wonderful! And although I write poetry, and seem like a hopeless romantic from just the way that I write, I must inform you, I have never gone as far as saying the past sentence to anyone......if only I could say it in person when parting.
email never seems to show the voice inflections that one really needs to get the message across - or the laughter in one's voice - or to show the puppy dog face that you do so well....
yes, I have thought about you and will continue to do so... however, i have refrained from allowing myself to text, email, send smoke signals or send airplane message banners (like the last one eh?). It has not been all smooth sailing, but I am not just a fair weather sailor. I look more at the overall experience than the moment, which is why my mindset is usually so upbeat ...
there is no doubt that we will cross paths - probably sooner than later
October 17, 2009
Hey there. I know we've both been keeping our distance and contact to a minimal, which we know is for the better. I try not to email you (personally) anymore or as often, nor text or call. But, sometimes a fleeting moment passes me by and I sing a tune....I laugh out loud....or I'm embraced by another's hug.....those times I'm reminded of you. And speratically, with those fleeting moments, I quickly, and almost incognito-like (LOL), I let you know through a text or an email such as this one. Ha ha, it's pretty pathetic I think of you so very often, but you played, maybe not a long part, but a very important role in my life - you were like my role model. And that being said, I found a song that really is glued to my heart, right next to where your memory lies in my heart. I've come across quite a few songs in my life, and only have a couple that really meant something, such as "Broken" from Lifehouse. That song to me is amazing, and it even has more meaning b/c I guess I was listening to it a lot when taking those evening strolls and sometimes you'd drive by stopping me from listening to it midway. I came across a song called "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. It touched my heart personally b/c of the dramatic orchestrated strings, and a plus with great lyrics. I hope you take time out to listen to it sometime. I dedicate it to us. I think the song is very much mutually bound (as if I gave it to you and you could give it to me). This is my last song to you. I know your life is full of amazing and wonderful things, and you can't ask for anything better.....but I hope, in the back of your mind you think of this song from time to time, and keep me sacred within your heart for a lifetime. I hope you enjoy the song...I did! Take care my beautiful friend.
Hey there. I know we've both been keeping our distance and contact to a minimal, which we know is for the better. I try not to email you (personally) anymore or as often, nor text or call. But, sometimes a fleeting moment passes me by and I sing a tune....I laugh out loud....or I'm embraced by another's hug.....those times I'm reminded of you. And speratically, with those fleeting moments, I quickly, and almost incognito-like (LOL), I let you know through a text or an email such as this one. Ha ha, it's pretty pathetic I think of you so very often, but you played, maybe not a long part, but a very important role in my life - you were like my role model. And that being said, I found a song that really is glued to my heart, right next to where your memory lies in my heart. I've come across quite a few songs in my life, and only have a couple that really meant something, such as "Broken" from Lifehouse. That song to me is amazing, and it even has more meaning b/c I guess I was listening to it a lot when taking those evening strolls and sometimes you'd drive by stopping me from listening to it midway. I came across a song called "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. It touched my heart personally b/c of the dramatic orchestrated strings, and a plus with great lyrics. I hope you take time out to listen to it sometime. I dedicate it to us. I think the song is very much mutually bound (as if I gave it to you and you could give it to me). This is my last song to you. I know your life is full of amazing and wonderful things, and you can't ask for anything better.....but I hope, in the back of your mind you think of this song from time to time, and keep me sacred within your heart for a lifetime. I hope you enjoy the song...I did! Take care my beautiful friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment