Time - Is It Really On My Side?

Everyone says that I "have time".  What does that mean?  No, really, what does that mean?  Does it mean that I have time to find true love?  Does it mean that I have time to find my ultimate career?  Does it mean that I have time to find my place in this world?  Sure, I'm young - that's what makes it worth time to put in the effort towards these goals.  And sure, things can happen in an instant where I can be living on top of the world.  I'm not denying the likelihood.  The only thing is that later time becomes, the less likely I can look back and say, "look at what I've accomplished toward my career", or "look at how your father and I have met [such and such] years ago."  I DID try a lot of different avenues within the same field of expertise, and I have dated countless times, which only a few have led me to believe that it was "the ONE this TIME".  To my dismay, nothing has come of any of it.


If I want to base this on emotions, I can very well do that, but I'm not going to.  There is a real meaning basing it on logic.  Although, the truth in logic is gut-wrenching to say the least.  Lets talk about LOVE - the "falling in love forever" kind.  Oh, how wonderful and delightful that sounds.  How awesome I'd feel to have that in my life!  How a grand rarity to feel that way towards someone and have it mirrored back by your partner.



.............................................I'm scared it will never happen for me.





It hasn't happened yet in my predominant youthful years.  I had the few so-called missed connections that one of us felt strongly about the other but it wasn't reciprocated back and, as I've mentioned before, I had the couple of those that were the "can't live without you, don't want to lose you, want to be together forever with you" type.  My thoughts are tainted because those two didn't last.  But even so, falling in love may not be out of the question for me.  It's just the matter of when.


Here comes the logical analysis:  the older I get, the less chance I have.  Okay, so you know that statistic and many of them that branch out from that, like children, divorce and family values.  But how about looking deeper at aging?  Age plays a very important role in our lives.  When we are younger we want to be older  and when we are older we want to appear younger.  
We want to be older so that we can be taken seriously, to be filled with wisdom and experience.  We want to be old enough to drive, smoke or drink.  Nevertheless, accepted and respected for who we are and what we can achieve, and not hear, "you're too young" or "you're too little" that we thought were such foul phrases back in the day.  We want to be younger to have our vibrancy back, the energy and sometimes to have the lack of experience to work less harder.  We want to be young enough to be attractive, to catch up on times lost or do youthful activities.  Nevertheless, accepted and respected for who we are and what we have achieved and not hear "you're too old" or "you don't have what it takes anymore" that will or has struck a nerve.


.............................................I'm scared that I'm living in between moments.


If I become too old by the time I find true love, I really can't appreciate the beauty of youth with that person.  Our young soft skin pressed against one another, the energetic glow we feed off each other and the days of our innocent youth is by far gone, leaving us only to size up the person we're with before we commit our hearts fully and unconditionally.  Also, there is less of a chance that I can actually say to a room full of beloved friends and family that it's my "20 or 30 year anniversary".  I'm not getting any younger!  I might not ever get a chance to know what that feels like.  It isn't a huge deal, but I do often wonder what that must feel like as I know a couple of friends of mine just reached their twenty-something anniversary of either knowing one another or being married to one another.


The same thing goes for a career - much is the same!  As an individual, we all have a relationship with our career - second to none!  What we dream, what we desire, what we hope to do, what we want to do....a lot of thinking comes into defining that, and a lot of what we do outside of it is planned on or based around our particular career.  I need to plant my feet somewhere and have been trying really hard to plant them somewhere I can call home.  It's not as easy as it seems, especially when J.O.B.'s are popping off the pages left and right at me almost as if shouting "take this job, it's not everything but it's something". I try not to fall into that trap knowing it will be just another vicious cycle of mediocrity and damnation.  I put a lot on hold for my career path and I haven't found a loophole yet.  In this field it is much of who you know, not what you know that gets you in the right places at the right time to get the rightful acknowledgment.


So, do you or I really "have time" to joke around about time?  It isn't a game - it flashes before your eyes and before long enough, time is up.